the 10 list

This week gratitude comes a day late, at least in written form. That's because I have a four-day weekend and was busy sleeping in, browsing through vintage and antique shops in my neighborhood, grading at a local coffee shop, and enjoying food and companionship with friends yesterday. Today, a quiet day of planting strawberries, reading, and sewing.

Which leads me right into this week's 10 list:

1. Delicious eggs from home with home-grown greens and amazing toast with brie and vinaigrette with three amazing people who are artists and teachers, passionate about permaculture, spiritual leadership, and creativity.
2. Eating dinner with two people who are passionate about reading, surrounding ourselves with books and dreaming of all the great reading we're going to do this summer.
3. Discovering a book on my book shelf that I want to read but thought was lost.
4. Having a creative project turn out better than expected.
5. Cloudy Portland days: while I don't like them everyday, they are emblematic of this lovely piece of the world and I love them, sometimes.
6. The way Forest Park wraps around St. John's and reminds me so much of the Appalachian Mts. where I grew up.
7. That next week the St. John's farmer's market opens for the season! And it's only 4 blocks from my house!!!
8. My sweet friends who hosted a lovely wedding shower for me and helped me make flag pendants to decorate the wedding with.
9. Being able to write, plant, and create.
10. Today.

What are you grateful for? xo.

Gettin' Truthy: I Doubt It

"I doubt that camera in my face."

This post is part of Truthy Tuesdays, a new weekly over at the Maven Circle, where Jen and Jena work to empower women through encouraging them to trust their own ideas, voice, talents, etc. and guiding them to find the courage and confidence to live their dreams.

This week's topic is self-doubt: where it comes from and how to combat it. So I started thinking about what makes me feel SELF-DOUBT, that poison that tells us to STOP rather than GO. That voice that says, I CAN'T rather than I CAN.

I feel self-doubt when I compare myself to others. And I do this all the time!
I do this mostly at work, as an educator: I compare myself to other teachers. I see them thinking in ways that I don't. I see them interacting with students in ways that seem better than my interactions with students. I compare and then I doubt myself, and then the "enoughs" creep in: "I'm not smart enough; I'm not compassionate enough," etc. It's a poison fueled in part by job insecurity and in part by my own lack of confidence. This also happens with my blog. All the time.

I feel self-doubt in situations when praise is expected but not given.
Social networking is a good example--but not the only example. Sometimes sites like facebook unleash the sides to my personality that I loathe: my vanity and insecurity. The desire to be praised. The part of me that wants attention and validation. And when I'm not validated--or again, if I compare myself to how much attention others get vs. myself, I feel like I'm losing a popularity contest. I'm not as cool. Or worse, I'm not as loved.

I feel self-doubt when I create expectations for myself and then don't meet them.
For whatever reason. Is this the sign of a type A personality? Does it indicate that I ask too much of myself? Is this just NORMAL? We are a creative, industrious species. We love to learn and create. But shit, we also love to kick back with friends or with a good book or movie. So, there's the fine line: setting goals, having high expectations, and learning to forgive ourselves when it doesn't all get done.

I feel self-doubt often. Too often. When a student criticizes me. When a friend seems cold. When I look at my own work. When I compare myself to co-workers. Self-doubt seems to always be there, lurking on the sidelines, waiting to pounce. But I think that one way to fight it is to recognize its sources. I've been admitting to myself my issues with praise, and I am acknowledging those feelings when they crop up, but it's easier also to let them go once faced. I caught myself in the act of comparing myself to someone else, and I thought: She's awesome. And I'm wasting time. There are more productive things for me to be focusing my thoughts and energy on.


So maybe that's part of the process of doubting less and believing more: AWARENESS. I am aware of when I doubt, and I've already started to kill it in its tracks.

10 List

Of course, grateful for this little guy.

A lot of grading and a severe sinus infection have prevented me from posting much of late--or accomplishing much. But I am visualizing health and manifesting a wonderful weekend. It is Friday, the day I like to dedicate here to gratitude. Being grateful for the beauty in our world--consciously reminding ourselves, every day, of that beauty, helps inspire us to create more beauty.

And so here are 10 things on my list right now:

1. My cold is past the worst and I'm on my way back to golden health.
2. My cousin's hubby got accepted into Penn State for engineering.
3. This weekend is my local bridal shower with some of my best Portland girls!
4. Sunshine in Portland for 2 weeks straight!
5. That my friends have a brand new, healthy, beautiful baby girl.
6. Being industrious and getting my house cleaning out of the way first thing so that it's not hanging over my head all weekend. (Now I should sit and do some grading.)
7. Having an amazing yard with so much potential for ducks, chickens, bees, fruit, veggies, flowers, herbs.
8. Discovering the loveliness of the roses, irises, lillies, and columbine that have been planted here before we moved in.
9. Herb spirals.
10. Fresh eggs.

What are you grateful for in your life? xo.

Irises and columbine along one side of our house.

34 by 35: Evolving Goals and the Journey

I've been thinking a lot about goals. We tend to give ourselves a lot of grief if we do not accomplish our goals. But we forget that our goals change; there are a myriad of goals that I have created for myself since writing my 34 by 35 list. Many of these goals relate to my spiritual life, and ironically, much of my spiritual musings of late are about not becoming too attached to our goals. There are a few basic reasons for this:

-Focusing on the achievement of the goal is like focusing only on the last bite of a delicious bowl of gelato. Do I really want to learn to knit just so that I can have another scarf? No. I want to learn to knit for the challenge, the potential community of knitters/crafters, and the creative license it would give me. And yes, maybe for some cool scarfs, but that's only a small part of it.

Focus on the journey, not only the end point.

-Journeys can be rather dull if we follow the road given us. Sometimes we don't end up where we planned. Sometimes we decide, along the way, that we want to end up somewhere else. And that's okay. We go on journeys to learn and grow, and if we get too stuck on where we want to end up, we won't really grow, change, or learn.

Flexibility will lead to unexpected outcomes.

Does this mean that setting goals is a bad thing? Right now, my answer is no. I think that goals help brighten our path. Goals inspire us to pack our bags and go on that journey. And yeah, we might not get far or might get lost along the way, but at least we took the trip.

Meanwhile, I crossed off a few of my 34 by 35 that I did accomplish thus far.

34 by 35 list of goals.
Deadline: Jan. 15, 2013

Wedding:
1. Wedding favors, embroidery design, and labels.
2. Handmade bridesmaid gifts.
3. Creative aspect for the ceremony that is true to me. Perhaps a poem?
4. Be super organized and thus more ability to relax as people start to arrive to town: create a calendar and stay on schedule.
5. Help with handmade invites and create a way to display photos.
6. Enjoy every second of our wedding day.

Garden:
7. Build an herb spiral.
8. Build a pond.
9. Landscape around redbud and apple tree.
10. Strawberry (and borage?) patch
11. Prep garden for spring 2013 planting
12. Try vermicomposting (again).

Chickens/Ducks:
13. Slaughter 1 chicken myself.
14. Get baby chickens.
15. Help build new coop in side yard.
16. Get ducks.

Bees:
17. Go to beekeepers meetings
18. Learn more about TPH management
19. Get a colony for new Langstroth hive

Travel:
20. Get a new passport
21. Save money for Fiji
22. Go backpacking this summer

Physical health:
23. Run a 10k
24. Get bike fixed
25. Bike to yoga 1x per week-2x per month
26. Run/bike/hike 12-25 miles per week

Tend:
27. Renew teaching cert.
28. Clean kitchen top-to-toe
29. Paint trim inside house
30. Make bedroom and closet curtains
31. Sand, stain, paint, and make front porch look pretty.

Learn/create:
32. Learn to knit and finish at least one project
33. Read 10 books, including one on film.
34. Continue to develop identity and readership for blog

10 List

Gratitude is in part about recognizing that wherever we want to end up comes second to the present moment and the process or journey of achieving our dreams and goals. I have many goals. But often, when I achieve a goal, the sense of accomplishment is no more special or gratifying than the many steps I took and ways I learned and changed along that goal's path. And sometimes my goals change. And that's okay too: it doesn't mean that I failed. It means I grew and reflected and thought about where I really want to be and what truly makes me happy.

Here are ten things that I feel grateful for having in my life right now, as is.

1. Being reminded that the present moment is sacred.
2. A fantastic yoga class.
3. Being invited to join a book club to study the Yoga Sutras.
4. Having a really fun engagement photo shoot with my man.
5. That little Leno (Puddles the cat) seems to be feeling better and eating more.
6. Having found a really inspiring and wonderful poem that we can't wait to share on our wedding day.
7. Finding a craft that truly makes me feel joyful during the process: embroidery.
8. Irises in bloom.
9. My loved ones, both family and friends.
10. Gaining a stronger sense of the things that make me happy.

xo. Happy week ending and Cinco de Mayo.